Monday, 18 November 2013

Why does Google send all the weirdos to my blog?


I don't often check my blog stats.  Mainly because, well, who cares?  But also because looking at things like that makes my head want to explode.  However, I do enjoy a good chuckle over the things that people type into search engines which somehow land them on one of my pages.  Some are recurring themes.  Some are genius one offs.  Others...well, they're more than a bit disturbing.

I thought it might be handy to gather some of the most popular ones together all on one page for easy reference, so I can help the searchers find the information that they're looking for.  I will also add some of the batshit crazy ones so we can all have a good old laugh at someone's expense:

Search term 1:
'Katy Ashworth Naked'

Katy Ashworth is the very annoying lady who presents I Can Cook and jumps around like a drama student who's had too much candyfloss during the CBeebies continuity links.  I have slagged off Katy here and here.  After a good poke around the internet I can categorically state that you are not going to find any naked pictures of her online.  Seriously, horny dads, I've done the leg work for you and there aren't any.  Abandon your search.  However, while we're on the subject of Katy, I'd like to mention that my opinion of her changed for the better recently when she posted this lovely photograph of her and her new baby online:


Looking gorgeous, exhausted and a bit broken, just like any other new parent.  It's so nice to see someone portraying early motherhood as it really is and not piling the make-up on and photoshopping everything.  Now Katy, if you could just see your way to looking a bit suicidal when you present CBeebies after a run of 14 or so sleepless night and to have a constant cold for the next year a la the rest of us mums, we could come to a happy understanding, I think.

Search term 2:
'Is Mister Maker Gay?'

As far as I know, he is not.  However, he could be.  The definitive answer to this question should be "nobody knows, but he certainly won't be when he finally meets me."  Yes, I know I need help.  *insert obligatory joke about rummaging in his doodle drawers here, because that never gets old*.

Here he is, shortly before being taken roughly over his arts and crafts table.

Search term 3:
'What is Mister Maker's Gloopy Glue?'

Mister Maker gets me a lot of traffic.  My hands are itching to type out an innuendo here, but I will behave and tell you that  the type of glue to which he is referring is PVA glue.  Mystery solved.  Here I am giving a Mister Maker Christmas special a test drive.


Search term 4:
'Reading Eggs'




Yes, I reviewed Reading Eggs some time ago.  Yes, it's good.


Search term 5:
'Is Tree Fu Tom suitable for Christians?'

This one comes up in my stats a lot.  Possibly because I referred to him as a satanic little bum nugget somewhere along the line.  I stand by the bum nugget comment, but the satanic bit was just speculation.


So, I searched for this on Google, and it appears that there is much debate over this at the moment (whether he's suitable for Christians that is, not whether he's a bum nugget.  He is clearly a bum nugget).  It's the fact that he gets children to join in with casting his spells that has people all of a dither.  My opinion is that he's fine for Christian children to watch as he's a fictional character doing fictional things and children can differentiate between fact and fiction from very early on.  However, if you're the sort of parent who bans Harry Potter, The Worst Witch and any kind of magical imagination, Tree Fu Tom can also be added to the list of banned characters in your household.


Now some less popular but still brilliant searches:

1. 'rat gnawing toilet seat disgusting'  Yes.  Yes it is.  And how in God's name did you end up at my blog via that?  I know I'm pretty slack with the housekeeping, but no rats have ever gnawed my toilet seat.  Probably.

2. 'I want to screw my mother'  You're going to want some therapy for that, love.  Off you pop, now.

3. 'house looks shit can't be arsed'  Yeah, that sounds accurate enough.  Welcome to the fold.

4. 'help there are flying ants everywhere'  Again, you have found your spiritual home.  Come on in.

5.  This gem from someone who had obviously forgotten what my blog was called and was desperately trying to find it based on everything they remembered about it:

'disgrace kitchen love mr maker ants swears crazy child rory'  
It's like you're watching my life on CCTV, mystery blog searcher.  (You're not are you?)


Now your turn:  Tell me the best search terms that have landed on your blog.





20 comments:

  1. This did make me giggle Lise. Also, curious, so I had a look and some of the odd ones that pop are 'curvy 27 year old' and 'do a single mum'. Erm..... ok.
    The rest is autism related stuff

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    1. That's because you're a hottie, Tams. x

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  2. This post is hilarious! I laughed out loud! I havnt had any amusing searches like you but we'll look forward to the day! Lol! X

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  3. Alas my blog is too ridiculously small to have any google searches at all, but I have to say that these posts by any blogger are my favourite thing about the internet, ever.

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  4. Unsurprisingly, most of my search terms are to do with volkwagens, camper vans and beetles. Although someone got to me by searching "junkaholique awful" which is harsh, because I quite like her blog ;)

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  5. I adore this post! So funny. And the thing about Katie Ashworth is hilarious. I get the weirdest searches on mine too. 'Pushing my wife around in a pram', 'Hairy Baby Daddy' and 'S*x in a onesie' are a few of my personal bests.
    It's lovely to find your blog, it is really great. Am now subscribing.

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    1. Pushing my wife around in a pram? LOLOLOL

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  6. hahaha!! I am laughing out loud!!
    I have had a few hits where they have searched for S*x workers in Northumberland.....I am no one of those and have never mentioned them on my blog....heheheh

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  7. Hilarious! But seriously, how do you know what search terms people are using? Either I'm a serious luddite (claiming to be a blogger), this is a Blogspot thing (I'm a Wordpresser) or my blog is just too pathetic to be searched at all! Sob!

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    1. Do you have Google Analytics? Mine stopped working 2 years ago and I've only just got around to fixing it, but there's a bit of that that shows you what people have searched for to find you. I just got my search terms from Blogger's very basic stats section.

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    2. Aha! Thanks Lisa. Just found a few - nothing remotely as interesting or hilarious as yours mind you. I've just realised where I'm going wrong - from now on I will be adding spurious tags to all my posts about porn, kinky sex, bizarre personal habits and childrens TV presenters - my ratings should soar! :-)

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  8. A bit off topic, but would it put you off Mr Maker a bit to know that he is also Mr Liker Biker on Grandpa in my pocket? Sad but true...

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    1. Not at all, although I disapprove of his moustasche.

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  9. On a blog about politics and higher education - "when do you know your navel is good". Can't even fathom that one

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  10. Ages ago I bumped into I Can Cook Katy and told her how much my kid loved her programme (she's now addicted to Masterchef - my kid, not Katy). I was going to tell her that we both liked to sing along to the hand-washing song just as she told me how much she disliked it. (Fortunately, kid was asleep at the time or else would have been severely pissed off!)

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    1. I like her a little bit more now I know she hates that song.

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  11. Oh gosh! My search terms are more like 'avon lipstick' 'magazine freebie' x

    Heather | Of Beauty & Nothingness

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  12. I love these! Worth a read just to cheer yourself up on a rainy day. I just checked mine. Weirdly I found, 'ya fiction pelvic exam' and 'horse peeing fiction'. Once I had, 'black Jane Bloomfield'. I'm the white version!

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  13. Love the post. Share your strange fascination with Mister Maker, also Chris from Doodle Do. Oh how I'd enjoy a Dib Dab on his Stick. As far as google searches go, I once wrote a blog with Armpit Sex in the title, so you can imagine …

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